Far From Neutral Notions - Philippine politics, culture and stuff

Domestic Violence: Challenge

Crusaders against domestic violence claimed that out of ten Filipina wives, six are “battered wives.” It’s not a very comforting statistic, and it actually took me by surprise; while I knew the Philippines does have a fair amount of culture bias against women, I never realized that domestic violence could be so prevalent. After all, six out of every ten women that I’ve ever known are strong-willed, opinionated and very much in control, and being under-da-saya is something that I’m rather familiar with As I saw it, the culture bias at home did not exist: women were just as likely to hurt their men emotionally and psychologically as men. The issue didn’t concern me, or my friends. It’s too far away, it would never happen to us.

Or so I thought.

Focus

X (obviously not her real name) is a good friend of mine, and we’ve known each other since high school. A very strong, independent person, she’s been with her boyfriend, a certified asshole (whereas I’m just borderline), for seven years. When she got pregnant some years back, they went home to the province, although eventually she went back to Manila to work, and he followed suit. The baby was left with her parents. Theirs was an off-and-on thing, but the arrival of the baby seemed to stabilize their otherwise rocky relationship.

It wasn’t until recently that I found out how “Rocky” (as in ‘Adriaaaannnnnnnne’) it was. X was subjected several times to physical, emotional and phsychological abuse the years they were together, and carries the bruised arms and ego to this day. She never told me about it before, although I’ve heard rumors but chose to be skeptical. It wasn’t because I couldn’t believe the boyfriend could do it, but because I didn’t believe X would put up with it. She is, as I said, very strong-willed, and while I could understand the boyfriend’s concerns in limiting her from going out with us too often (or at all), I couldn’t picture her mildly accepting the slaps and bruises, much less suffering in silence. And until yesterday when X finally had enough, she did. But not before the damage was done.

The signs were there, though, for those who looked closely enough. The boyfriend can be insanely jealous at times, and is often at odds with her friends (including myself), whom he accuses of a lot of unsavory things. There were times she wasn’t allowed to even see or talk to us, and the one time he went with us to our annual get-together, he took pains to alienate us. He’s accused her of having an affair numerous times (and I know for a fact that she didn’t), when it was he who was caught dallying. Twice. And when he came to Manila after her, the problems with money came up; how could it not, when she was practically the sole provider while he hopped from one job to the next.

I asked X several times during the last few years why she hasn’t left him for good yet (I knew of the verbal abuse then, but not the physical), she told me it was because she loved him, and also because she didn’t want to leave her comfort zone. Being a single mom, she found it difficult to start over, and there was no guarantee that the problem would go away. There were threats, she finally admitted, although never to the baby. “He loved the baby,” she once said, “and that would have to be enough.”

Strike

The problem is very real, and very much in our midst. While X was not typical, the boyfriend apparently is. Used to having his way all the time, it was not easy for him to relinquish control or even to share it; it had to be his way or none at all. Taking it out on X, verbally and physically abusing her, is is his way of saying that he’s boss.

” The quick and simplistic solution to the problem is to stop, and think a little… think about the effects (your actions) may have on other people… “

It’s also not isolated to backwater countries like the Philippines: lack of education and poverty isn’t as common a denominator as you’d think. In fact, according to Amnesty International, domestic violence is the major cause of death and disability for European women aged 16 to 44 and accounts for more death and ill-health than cancer or traffic accidents.

What to do, then?

Legislation, even though in place, is never enough. Most acts of domestic violence are never investigated, the perpetrators often unprosecuted. One thing I thought of when I started writing this post was that the root of it all was the previous generations’ inherited gender bias; centuries of discrimination would take a while to shrug off, and I felt confident in my generation. Not so: the very illustration I detailed is proof that the disease infects even the people born in a supposedly gentler, more enlightened era.

The lawmakers have taken some steps in the right direction, though. These were the enactment of House Bill 2205, an “act defining domestic violence and providing penalties thereof” back in 1998, and the Supreme Court redefining rape in 2000, from being a “crime against chastity” to a violent crime against a person, regardless of his or her state of virginity. One key point here is the non-disctinction between men and women, as well as their ages; I believe that it is crucial to stop thinking of the problem as exclusively a woman’s concern, or a child’s. It is equally important to recognize the emotional effect of harsh words by a nagging or insecure wife to the psyche of the husband, because the problem demands that we stop it at its roots, and not just pick up the pieces and assign blame after all hell broke loose.

Of course, that raises even more questions (and eyebrows, I’m sure); after all, men are taught since childhood by parents, peers, siblings and popular culture to be strong and not show emotion. How can they be “victims”? Because abuse isn’t about gender so much as it is about power, and simply being a man isn’t a free pass for anyone to walk all over him. HB 2205 states:

How much suffering, exactly, can a “reasonable person” tolerate? And just how much is “substantial emotional distress”? For how long can you say to yourself, “this too will pass” while being at the receiving end of blows, curses and indignity, suffering “in the name of love”? How do you quantify “emotional distress”? These are questions that, of course, cannot be answered satisfactorily for all people. The law does what it can, but obviously the answers vary from person to person.The odd thing is that, while a gender bias does exist, the disparity across the board isn’t all that big: even though men commit most of these acts of domestc violence, I’ve seen a lot of husbands who are under-da-saya as well. And the truth is, no gender or age group has a monopoly on the problem.

The quick and simplistic solution to the problem is to stop, and think a little. Before you say or do something disparaging, think about the effects it may have on other people, particularly to those in your family. It’s a very basic but often forgotten principle, something that’s being taught in kindergarten, but unfortunately stays in kindergarten. Being jealous and malicious is not a healthy thing, and can often be resolved if the couple maintained a healthy two-way line of communication. It has often been said, and I heartily agreee, that to understand someone is to love them and vice versa. How big an effort would it require to understand someone you already love?

It’s not for everyone, I’ll admit. Most acts of domestic violence are, by their very nature, unreasonable, unthinking acts - drunken or drug-addicted husbands don’t have the the capacity for reason or clear thinking in the first place, or they’d never have let themselves become an alcoholic or a drug addict. Wives from well-to-do families (or not) may berate and insult a husband who isn’t as high in the social or financial scale as they’d like. Then of course, love may not even exist in the relationship, as may be the case in forced or accidental marriages. Counseling, while an option for some, is not available to all; one or both parties might not even be willing to acknowledge the problem in the first place until it’s too late, not to mention the high cost of psychiatric help.

For most, the Church isn’t the most welcoming of places, either. After all, 1 Peter, chapter 2 has been subject to far too many misinterpretations, like the so-called inferiority of women. I for one believe that the passage stating that women are the ‘weaker’ vessel only refers to the physical aspect, and should not be interpreted as an all-encompasing state of existence; I even know a few women who could kick my ass. Soundly even, and with vigor.

The law, while imperfect, does give us a good first step. But there’s a long road ahead. Follow ups may include incorporating Positive Action ideas in the DECS curriculum or at home, increasing the penalties for breaking the existing laws, and better enforement thereof. Popular media can chip in by not glamorizing “bad boys” and violence anymore.

It’s up to us, really. End the abuse, dammit!

Ed: Not my usual topic, I’ll admit. Certain events in the last 48 hours have made me sit up and take notice, however. X is a very real person whose recent trauma came as a shock to me, personally, and it made me think. The subject of domestic violence is too big, too prevalent, for me AND YOU to just sit back and do nothing.

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